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Kids and conflict!  Gosh those words go together a little too well, don’t they? Well, if you’re a parent like me, of small children, tweens, teens, or young adults you’ve realized at some point that parenting is for life and it’s tough but not impossible.

I was sitting in a doctor’s office(details have been changed to disguise the actual parties involved), and a parent asked me ” What would you do if you were in my situation?”  Here is the short version of what happened.

Her daughter’s cell phone was stolen, and her daughter knew who had taken it but it was speculation as no one saw the other girl take the phone.  Parents were called in, and a parent/principal meeting took place, words were exchanged and then was the waiting game. Not to their surprise the parent of the accused girl did not take responsibility for their daughter’s actions and did not admit fault. The mother whose daughter’s possession was stolen asked me how she should handle the situation, whether she should press charges and force their hand in the situation to demand a better outcome. They were obviously frustrated, and very upset about the whole thing.

Now you and I both know situations like this are bound to come up in one way or another especially when you have children. The big question is what lesson are we trying to teach our kids about these kinds of situations? Here are some goals to keep in mind when going through any difficult challenge with your kids.

1. The goal of a lot of confrontations, challenges, obstacles or difficulties is not to win, or force your hand in the situation to get the outcome you want.  The focus should be on resolving the matter in a healthy, and safe manner so that a life lesson is learned and coping mechanisms are set in place. Also, we want our kids to know that they can come talk to us about anything, be approachable and open to conversation.

2.  Be honest share your feelings about your sadness or anger regarding the issue. Remember, you can never make anyone do anything they don’t want to do, all you can do is be honest, share your feelings and concerns and request a fair outcome. Don’t get caught up in who is right or wrong, you’ll only get disappointed.

3. Be supportive of your children whether they are the accused or the victim. Encourage them to make the right choice by being honest and forthcoming of the details regarding the situation. If your child is the accused and their is evidence that they took the item and just aren’t admitting it, age-appropriate consequences should be in order.

4. Be encouraging and tell them that when difficult life situations happen, it’s how we react to them that determines our peace and healing.

5. Model to them how to cope with the stress and anger of the situation. Pray, workout, take a jog, walk, journal, engage in any activity that can allow them to express themselves in a healthy way.

6. Results that involve winning is not the point. Share with them that although the accuser has made a bad choice that affected them adversely, there could be reasons that you are unaware that could be causing this person to react in an unsafe manner. Teach empathy, and understanding. Maybe you are aware of some difficulties that other child may be going through, and ask your child what it would be like if they were in their shoes.

7. Forgiveness heals. Model forgiveness towards the accused, so that your children will see Christ’s love through you. It will be a tool they will need for the rest of their life.  Mention that forgiveness doesn’t let them off the hook, or mean the the opposing side wins, it just means that you release them into God’s hands for His healing and forgiveness, and frees them(victim)  to no longer harbor ill-feelings and have an opportunity to  be healed themselves.

8. Reaction is more important then results. Love your children unconditionally, allow them to share their feelings, talk about how to handle the situation in a healthy way, teach coping skills, and finally show forgiveness and seek healing. It’s how we deal with difficult situations that teach us how to cope and let go, so that when the next challenge comes along we have a healthy way of reacting.

9.  Prayer: Lastly, but certainly not the least important, it’s the most important. Pray through every challenge you encounter in this world with your children. No one knows better how to deal with adversity then the Lord Jesus Himself, He can heal, restore, and discipline us into a healthy direction every time. Pray over your children and the situation they are going through, show them who you depend on when you don’t know what to do.

*Parents, an important note. When you go through something in your own life and it affects the family as a whole, it is very important that you model to your children healthy ways of coping as mentioned above, because they learn a lot more from watching you react to your problems then they do just hearing it come as discipline, both seeing and hearing work together to foster a healthy family life! Also, one of the most hardest things about loving discipline is that sometimes our anger or hurt gets in the way of addressing these issues.  We have to begin to deal with our own anger in regards to the situation, calm down, take some time if we need to  and then address the issue with our child.

If you have any questions, stories or comments about parenting in this area, feel free to post them! Parenting is a journey, and we are bound to make mistakes  sometimes.  But it’s from those mistakes that God teaches us the most, so stay close to Jesus He’ll show you the way! Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter,  “coachnanc,” for daily encouraging messages…well almost daily!

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1. He Can Turn It Around!
2. Differences Between Christian Life Coaching and Counseling